I'll Throw In A Roger Maris Baseball Card

M E M O R A N D U M

TO: Cory Fong, Adam Hamm, Kevin Cramer, Brian Kalk, Tony Clark, Doug Goehring, Bob Peterson, Kelly Schmidt

FROM: Wayne Stenehjem

CC: John Hoeven, Jack Dalrymple


Dear Republican Team Members,

Eighty years ago, someone with a warped sense of humor decided that the Secretary of State’s office should be here on the First Floor of the Capitol Building along with the offices of the Governor/Lieutenant Governor and the Attorney General. I guess they thought that maybe someday in the future the office would be important. Or maybe it was important back then. Or maybe they thought Ben Meier liked company (He was Secretary of State back then, wasn’t he?) and they wanted his office to be easily accessible.

Anyway, what’s happened is that the guy down the hall now is a royal pain in the butt, and he’s just 30 feet or so away from me, and he won’t leave me alone, no matter what I do or say. He’s over here almost every day looking for an opinion on something or other, trying to get me to take the blame whenever he screws up and has to make an unpopular decision. A couple of months ago, he lost some paperwork for a candidate running against Kevin Cramer and needed me to cover his butt by telling him to go ahead and put the guy on the ballot anyway. Never mind that this kid from Fargo, Voytek, I think his name is, didn’t really give a rat’s ass if he ran for Public Service Commission or not—he announced he would be a write-in candidate against Al for Secretary of State just a couple of days after he learned that Al had left him off the ballot for PSC, except he only announced it to 11 of his friends, apparently, because he only got 12 votes in the whole state.

So I told him to just put the kid on the ballot, and he did, (saying I said it was okay) and those darn Democratic-NPL Legislators jumped right in and asked me to issue a formal opinion. Well, I shopped it around among my assistants trying to get one of them to write an opinion that agreed with me, and they all said they just couldn’t do that because the law was pretty clear that he shouldn’t be on the ballot, and as a result I got a bunch of political heat I really didn’t need. And our buddy Al down here just smiles and says “Wayne told me to do it.”

Then there was that deal with the other Libertarians not getting on the ballot, and he’s got me in the middle of a lawsuit on that one. Seems like if he was willing to bend the rules when HE screwed up, he should bend the rules when THEY screw up too. Ah, but it’s easier for him to just send it down the hall to me and let me spend a bunch of state dollars in a long drawn-out lawsuit.

Well, I finally got smart after that one and I put one of our college interns on sentry duty outside my office, and kept him away most of the summer, but then school got ready to start, and the intern went away, and sure enough, Al snuck in the back door again this week asking for help on this petition signature thing. Yep, he had told the papers earlier this week that he was going to ask me to help him decide if those petitions should be declared valid. But I could see this one coming. He wanted me to say yes or no, so he could tell the papers again “Wayne told me to do it.”

Well, I decided I’d had enough and just told him to go read the law himself. He’s a big boy. AND KEEP MY NAME OUT OF IT!

And so today he told Wal-Mart and Walgreen and Tammy Wal-bach they won’t need to spend any money this fall on a ballot measure campaign. And guess what—for once he didn’t blame me!

But it is just a matter of time before he comes traipsing down the hall again with another screwup, and so and I’m looking for help. I’m thinking if I could just get him off the First Floor, where it’s not so convenient for him to come running over here, maybe I can put a stop to this. And so, I’m asking you, my faithful Republican brethren and sister, to help me find a new home for Al somewhere else far, far away. Cory, you’ve got some space up there on 16, I think, which wouldn’t be bad, but maybe one of you knows of a spot somewhere off campus. We could do an office trade. I’d even throw in this old Roger Maris baseball card—1961 I think it is—it’s pretty old and has what looks like some old signature on it, and is probably worthless, but it would be a nice present for one of your kids or grandkids. Just take this guy off my hands!

If it wasn’t Republican blasphemy, I’d even ask you to send some money to this Mock kid who’s running against Al, just to help get him out of here. I can’t send any more or my name will show up on his report, and that just wouldn’t look good. Look, I’m offering perfectly good First Floor office space here. John and Jack agree. It would be just fine with them. Somebody step up and volunteer, okay?

Thanks.

Your Buddy, Wayne